Tonight, I had trouble sleeping. Partially because I had four cups of coffee today, the most recent was around 9. It’s almost 2, and I’m still up. I just finished watching this week’s episode of The Rookie. The protagonist had his son going into open heart surgery.
A client at work called me today. Their server has just enough extra CPU activity to cause more noise than they’re used to. Everything looks fine, but I just checked it again to see if there were any signs of ransomware.
I’ve joked around in the past that “my networks are my children”. Maybe I’m just oversensitive, but I’m worried. Irrationally so, most likely. Somewhat like a parent has that underlying worry about the well-being of their children.
If this is what being a parent is like, even a little bit, then I seem to have a hard time believing it’s something I would want. I wish it wasn’t so terrifying.
You can try to shield yourself from pain, but you also deny yourself having great joy as well. Some things are just worth the risk. We were all meant to live together and flourish (which includes family). We were not created for isolation.
This sort of reminds me of an episode from Bones. She was talking to someone who had just lost his sister who was brutally murdered.
Bones: “According to the FBI logs, she called you every day, often twice a day. And the conversations never were less than five minutes and averaged fifteen minutes”
Him: “This has meaning for you?”
Bones: “Objectively speaking, it would indicate an irrefutable desire to connect. A deep and abiding love”
Him: “I cannot imagine never talking to her again”
Bones: “I myself have no one in my life who I talk to that much, outside of work, I mean. Perhaps that is good”
Him: “How so?”
Bones: “I can see how much pain you’re in. Is it worth it? To have your own happiness so contingent upon another human being?”
Him: “If I was willing to give up my life for Sachi, why would I not be willing to risk my happiness more?”